Epilepsy and mental health
I told you all the blog this year would be a little deeper than last year. Well strap on your goggles and throw your water wings away because we are diving in!!
I really want to talk about mental health and how it relates to epilepsy. Mental health is such a taboo subject and I don't understand why??!!. Why do we live in a society where it's acceptable to be drug dependent (or whatever we are calling it these days) but not acceptable to have mental health difficulties?.
Personally, I think it all relates back to the view that in order for you to have anything wrong with you it must be visible. You can't see mental health so clearly it doesn't exist. What can I say .. we live in a world of fools and ignorant people.
Epilepsy and mental health problems don't necessarily go hand in hand, it is however, extremely common for those with the condition to experience some sort of mental health difficulty in their life.
While I truly believe any difficulties I have are related to my epilepsy, I also believe that I would most likely experience difficulties without epilepsy. In fact, as a child I had a bit of anxiety over food and wouldn't eat f my food was touching or was an odd number. For years I only ever had wheatabix for breakfast and rice crispies and coco pops were banned from our house after we were 45 minutes late for school one day because my poor dad had been counting out rice crispies.
Having epilepsy, does seem however to have heightened my anxiety. I have been described as naturally anxious... to be honest I'm not really sure what that means ... is it like being a natural brunette? Am I going to end up with roots from this natural anxiety?. How can you tell I'm naturally anxious? Was I born worrying if my mum was going to use pampers or huggies?.
Regardless of whether my anxiety is innate or not, my epilepsy has made it worse. There is no skating around that iceberg. I am now more aware of all the things, I could, and now most likely am, anxious about. There are of course the big things like having a seizure, and let me tell you it doesn't matter how long you go seizure free it is always going to be in the back of your mind, and that makes me anxious. Then there are medium sized worries such as drowning in the bath or getting knocked down by a car while having a seizure. Finally there are the little things. That really shouldn't require any anxiety at all yet probably take up the biggest slice. Things like how tidy the house is, routine, lists and disorder. These simple things make me the most anxious of all.
I think because my brain is always tired, and therefore always having a brain fart, I struggle with disorder. We have been redecorating and organising our office recently and the whole experience has left me reaching for the paracetamol, diet coke and face mask. It has been such a headache and so stressful!. Why you might ask ... because everything became so disordered and disorganised and it was out of my control. Equally, I hate change to routine. I plan my day pretty much by the minute. I like to know exactly what I'm doing, when I am doing it and why. When plans change I don't like it. Let me just make this clear it's not that I don't like it because I am not getting my own way, I don't like it because it makes me anxious and it scares me. If I know what I am supposed to be doing and I've got it all planned out and written down on a list, then even if my brain has an epilepsy related breakdown I can wing it. If things have changed I am no longer able to do that and I do not like that feeling.
In the same way that explaining epilepsy is difficult, explaining the way it impacts on you emotionally and the way you think is equally as difficult and I don't think you can really explain it.
Often having epilepsy feels like being inside a bubble, like one of those big hamster balls people roll around on water in, you can see out, people can see in but they can't actually reach you and you can't reach them. I am blessed to have a wonderful family and great friends, but no matter how hard I or they try I will never be able to make them understand what it's like in the bubble and sometimes that makes me feel terribly alone.
Thankfully I am pretty good at being positive and I deal with it all in my own way, but I guess the point I want to make is that it's OK to feel the way you feel, anxious, depressed, happy, sad ... however you feel is fine. Don't hide those feelings. There is no shame in finding life with epilepsy, or even without difficult.
It takes more strength to stand up after you fall than it does to never fall at all.
I really want to talk about mental health and how it relates to epilepsy. Mental health is such a taboo subject and I don't understand why??!!. Why do we live in a society where it's acceptable to be drug dependent (or whatever we are calling it these days) but not acceptable to have mental health difficulties?.
Personally, I think it all relates back to the view that in order for you to have anything wrong with you it must be visible. You can't see mental health so clearly it doesn't exist. What can I say .. we live in a world of fools and ignorant people.
Epilepsy and mental health problems don't necessarily go hand in hand, it is however, extremely common for those with the condition to experience some sort of mental health difficulty in their life.
While I truly believe any difficulties I have are related to my epilepsy, I also believe that I would most likely experience difficulties without epilepsy. In fact, as a child I had a bit of anxiety over food and wouldn't eat f my food was touching or was an odd number. For years I only ever had wheatabix for breakfast and rice crispies and coco pops were banned from our house after we were 45 minutes late for school one day because my poor dad had been counting out rice crispies.
Having epilepsy, does seem however to have heightened my anxiety. I have been described as naturally anxious... to be honest I'm not really sure what that means ... is it like being a natural brunette? Am I going to end up with roots from this natural anxiety?. How can you tell I'm naturally anxious? Was I born worrying if my mum was going to use pampers or huggies?.
Regardless of whether my anxiety is innate or not, my epilepsy has made it worse. There is no skating around that iceberg. I am now more aware of all the things, I could, and now most likely am, anxious about. There are of course the big things like having a seizure, and let me tell you it doesn't matter how long you go seizure free it is always going to be in the back of your mind, and that makes me anxious. Then there are medium sized worries such as drowning in the bath or getting knocked down by a car while having a seizure. Finally there are the little things. That really shouldn't require any anxiety at all yet probably take up the biggest slice. Things like how tidy the house is, routine, lists and disorder. These simple things make me the most anxious of all.
I think because my brain is always tired, and therefore always having a brain fart, I struggle with disorder. We have been redecorating and organising our office recently and the whole experience has left me reaching for the paracetamol, diet coke and face mask. It has been such a headache and so stressful!. Why you might ask ... because everything became so disordered and disorganised and it was out of my control. Equally, I hate change to routine. I plan my day pretty much by the minute. I like to know exactly what I'm doing, when I am doing it and why. When plans change I don't like it. Let me just make this clear it's not that I don't like it because I am not getting my own way, I don't like it because it makes me anxious and it scares me. If I know what I am supposed to be doing and I've got it all planned out and written down on a list, then even if my brain has an epilepsy related breakdown I can wing it. If things have changed I am no longer able to do that and I do not like that feeling.
In the same way that explaining epilepsy is difficult, explaining the way it impacts on you emotionally and the way you think is equally as difficult and I don't think you can really explain it.
Often having epilepsy feels like being inside a bubble, like one of those big hamster balls people roll around on water in, you can see out, people can see in but they can't actually reach you and you can't reach them. I am blessed to have a wonderful family and great friends, but no matter how hard I or they try I will never be able to make them understand what it's like in the bubble and sometimes that makes me feel terribly alone.
Thankfully I am pretty good at being positive and I deal with it all in my own way, but I guess the point I want to make is that it's OK to feel the way you feel, anxious, depressed, happy, sad ... however you feel is fine. Don't hide those feelings. There is no shame in finding life with epilepsy, or even without difficult.
It takes more strength to stand up after you fall than it does to never fall at all.
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