10 Things You Will Only Know If You Have Epilepsy

Having epilepsy is an experience. An experience on the same level as having your gall bladder removed, having your pants fall down in front of a large crowd of people or thinking some hot guy is staring at you only to discover they are in fact blind. In my opinion my epilepsy journey so far has been a collection of all three experiences, experienced at the same time, on a regular basis.

To offer some insight into the world of epilepsy, I have written down ten things you will only know if you have epilepsy. Grab your brew and biscuits (preferably in a plastic spill proof cup if you’re epileptic and clumsy like me) and lets get on with the show.

1: Dignity ceases to exist

My mother used to tell me that you lose all your dignity when you have children. Let me tell you, you lose far more dignity having a seizure than you do giving birth, and unlike giving birth you don’t have a cute bundle of joy to show for it afterwards, instead you have a headache, bruises and if you’re really lucky, some stitches. Nothing takes away your dignity quicker than a paramedic whipping your pants down in the middle of the street in order to stick some seizure stopping medicine into your posterior.

2: Someone always knows where you are, at all times.

Thinking about going on a sneaky date? Or going shopping for some new shoes without the husband knowing? Popping into the pub for a cheeky pint without the wife knowing? FORGET IT When you have epilepsy there will always be someone who knows where you are. If they don’t know where you are, you can be damn sure they will be calling you every 5 seconds until they figure it out.

3: Your phone automatically connects to the hospital WIFI

You will have spent that many hours at the hospital, both in A&E and at appointments that your phone will automatically connect to the WIFI. If you spend a lot of time there, your phone might even begin to associate the hospital WIFI as your home WIFI.

4: Looking like you have done ten rounds with Mike Tyson is normal

Bruises are a part of life when you have epilepsy. They become part of your identity, like a favourite pair of earrings or a necklace you can’t leave home without. On the occasions when you don’t have any bruises you feel naked!

5: Your medicine cupboard will resemble Boots Pharmacy

Don’t be fooled into thinking you will only need a couple of boxes of your epilepsy medication to manage your seizures. You’re going to need medication to manage the side effects of the epilepsy medication, the side effects of the seizures, some decent painkillers, a healthy supply of plasters and antiseptic cream, a couple of bandages and an ice pack. On the bright side if there is ever an apocalypse you’re set.

6: You become an expert

Nobody understands your condition or how it affects you better than you do yourself. You find yourself explaining your condition to others, using all the correct terminology like you have a medical degree.

7: Everything in life is a safety hazard

You have heard of child proofing, when you have epilepsy you have to epilepsy proof. It is pretty much the same thing. Your house will contain corner covers, plug socket protectors, self-pouring kettles and the occasional baby gate. The best thing I have ever purchased is the self-pouring kettle, not because its super beneficial to my epilepsy, but because I’m lazy and can carry on reading while my brew is being made!

8: Partying is out of the question

Not because of the flashing lights or excitement, but because you will be too freaking tired to party!!!. Tiredness goes hand in hand with epilepsy, the only thing you want to do after a long day is stick your pjs on, grab yourself a snack and watch real crime programmes with your two king Charles cavaliers (that might just be me but you get the point).

9: People will occasionally assume you are either drunk or on drugs

If you can’t talk or are slurring your words, can’t walk properly and are just having serious seizure issues, some people will assume you are drunk or on drugs. Don’t get mad at those people, it’s not really their fault, they just need a little educating.

10: Some idiot will try to provide first aid by performing CPR or sticking a spoon in your mouth

While I have just said that some people need a little educating, some people are just plain thick. There will always be some have a go hero, who sees themselves as a knight in shining armour but realistically are more of a twit in tin foil, that will try to “save you” by providing CPR or sticking something in your mouth, mainly because they have seen it in a movie. Avoid these people at all costs!!!